Ted Rall: How Not To Be a Terrible Smartphone Jerk

BreakingModern — Yes, Virginia, there is a polite way to take a smartphone call. Our Ted Rall vents and provides some advice on how not to be your garden variety smartphone jerk. Commentary.

Recently at a restaurant so expensive that a writer like me shouldn’t have been there without an editor to pick up the tab, I was distracted from my conversation by a phone conversation at a neighboring table. It wasn’t so much that the man was loud — though he was — as the fact that he was using his speakerphone.

Forgive my ageism, but I was especially surprised by the man’s age, which appeared to be well over 75.

I’m a patient fellow, figuring that most annoyances conclude of their own accord without unnecessary editorializing — and possible conflict — from me. Not this time, however. The guy yammered on and on, yes, still on the speakerphone, making small talk about the weather, the general state of things, certainly nothing important. The call was not along the lines of say, Yes, Mr. President, I think you should make that deal with Mr. Putin. Or: What do you mean, my liver transplant has been denied?

After about 10 minutes, I motioned to Mr. Speakerphone to ask him to keep it down, at which point his dining companion, also seeming to be a septuagenarian, explained that Mr. Speakerphone was 85 years old (!) and thus “didn’t realize” that he was disturbing anyone. Remember, this was a ridiculously pricey four-star establishment. If this kind of behavior can take place in a joint like that, at the hands of a dude like that, it can happen anywhere.

Which means that what is clearly needed is a defined set of rules that people can read, and hopefully follow, in order to take a phone call in public without being a total f*****g ass***e.

Won’t You Please Put Your Phone Down: Fog and Smog YouTube channel

Yes. It’s possible.

Rule one: It is never acceptable, under any circumstance, to use your speakerphone in public.

That’s anywhere where other people can overhear you. As incredibly irritating as it is to listen to one side of a conversation, hearing both sides is at least twice as annoying.

Rule two: It’s okay to take the call. We get it. We have smartphones, too.

We have friends and co-workers and bosses whose calls we are awaiting. What is not okay, in a public place like a restaurant, is to take the call and stay at the table or at the bar or wherever. As soon as you answer your call, get up, motion to your companions that you are stepping outside, and do so immediately. Even if it’s raining. Hell, even if it’s snowing. Your place, if you have to say anything more than “let me call you back later,” is with the smokers on the sidewalk.

Rule three: There’s a lot to be said for letting the call dump into voicemail and calling back later.

You’ll have time to think about what you want to say in response, not being caught by surprise. You will convey the subliminal message to your callers that you aren’t always available every second of every day. And you’ll minimize the irritation factor with the people you’re hanging out with.

Remember — People who are physically there always deserve priority over people who are trying to reach you remotely, digitally. I wish clerks in stores would remember that. Why are they talking to customers on the phone when I’m right there in real life?

These rules are increasingly relevant in an age where even places that used to be out of cell phone range are being wired for calling, such as the New York City subway and airplanes, where clever passengers (cough, cough) can use VOIP (voice over Internet protocol) on the flight Wi-Fi system to check in with the ground.

Like most people, I’m so in love with my smartphone that I can’t remember how I ever lived without it. But it’s important not to succumb to addiction. Your phone is there to serve you, not the other way around.

This is a lesson that needs to be taught to a guy that I saw on the Hampton Jitney, the fancy-sounding name for the bus that plies the Long Island Expressway between Manhattan and the East End of Long Island, New York. The Jitney has a strict no cell phone policy except in case of emergency.

A few summers ago, bus employees repeatedly asked a guy who was conducting some sort of corporate acquisition over the phone to wrap it up and shut up, but he just kept talking. He was warned over and over again, to the point where he had drawn the attention of the entire busload of passengers, yet he just couldn’t or wouldn’t end his call. Finally, the bus pulled over on the side of the expressway. A New York State trooper boarded the bus, walked over to the man, and he still didn’t hang up. In the end, he was arrested and removed from the bus — and he was still trying to continue his call while they were outfitting him with handcuffs! Maybe it was worth it. Maybe millions of dollars were at stake.

Whatever. Don’t be that guy.

For BMod, I’m .

Ted Rall

Author: Ted Rall

Based in New York, Ted Rall is an award-winning political cartoonist, essayist and Pulitzer Prize finalist. He covers news, justice, music and privacy for BreakingModern. Follow him @TedRall.

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