BreakingModern — Some people have pretty screwy ways to pick an NCAA Tournament winner. And to be honest, some of those people end up winning their pools, leaving the “experts” banging their heads in frustration. There has to be a better way. In the spirit of “Who would win a fight between Batman and Superman?” I offer the following method for determining a national champ. It will confuse you at first but hang with it. It all will make sense when I’m through. Really. First, I’ll settle on the best in every category, beginning with my first one: Angry Birds.
For some reason, the Iowa State Cyclones have a bird as their mascot. Whatever. A true force of nature can’t be denied. Coastal Carolina Chanticleers, Eastern Washington Eagles, Iowa Hawkeyes, Iowa State Cyclones, Kansas State Jayhawks, Louisville Cardinals, North Florida Ospreys, Oregon Ducks, St. Johns Red Storm and the Utah Utes.
What’s the difference between a Bruin and a Bear? Let’s go with Baylor. Baylor Bears, Belmont Bruins and the UCLA Bruins
The Coolest Cats
My rule is that multiple cats will beat a singular cat every time. So it’s the North Carolina State Wolfpack. Arizona Wildcats, Brigham Young Cougars, Cincinnati Bearcats, Davidson Wildcats, Kentucky Wildcats, Lafayette Leopards, LSU Tigers, North Carolina State Wolfpack, Northern Iowa Panthers, Texas Southern Tigers and the Villanova Wildcats.
This is a really tough choice between a Bull and Longhorn. But I’ll take Buffalo over Texas. Arkansas Razorbacks, Buffalo Bulls, Maryland Terrapins, North Carolina Tar Heels, Texas Longhorns and the Virginia Commonwealth Rams.
For the Dogs
It’s the size of the dog in the fight that matters. Go with the Albany Great Danes. Albany Great Danes, Butler Bulldogs, Georgetown Hoyas, Georgia Bulldogs, Gonzaga Bulldogs, Northeastern Huskies, Wofford Terriers.
Close call, but we have to go with the Oklahoma Sooners. Their horses pull a wagon loaded with rowdy students. Boise State Broncos, Oklahoma Sooners, Southern Methodist Mustangs
Who could possibly be more powerful than a Michigan State Spartan? Dayton Flyers, Hampton Pirates, Harvard Crimson, Indiana Hoosiers, Manhattan Jaspers, Michigan State Spartans, New Mexico State Aggies, Notre Dame Fighting Irish, Oklahoma State Cowboys, Ole Miss Rebels, Providence Friars, Purdue Boilermakers, Robert Morris Colonials, San Diego State Aztecs, Stephen F. Austin Lumberjacks, Valparaiso Crusaders, Virginia Cavaliers, West Virginia Mountaineers, Wyoming Cowboys, Xavier Musketeers
Supernatural powers put the Duke Blue Devils at the top of the list. Alabama-Birmingham Blazers, Duke Blue Devils and the Wichita State Shockers.
Sheer brute strength favors the North Dakota State Bison. Georgia State Panthers, North Dakota State Bison, UC Irvine Anteaters and the Wisconsin Badgers
We only have one choice here: the national football champion Buckeyes. By the way, a buckeye is a nut.
Ohio State Buckeyes Okay, now that we have settled on the best of each category, let’s determine the pecking order. Humans are the top of the food chain, capable of controlling everything else in nature. In the real world, that’s true most of the time. You’ll have the occasional story of a goring during a running of the bulls or a person dumb enough to get too close to a bison at a national park.
You get what you ask for sometimes. But humans are generally the big men and women on campus.
On the other end of the spectrum, no one is intimidated by something that falls from a tree or most birds.
Even a Chanticleer, a proud and fierce rooster, can’t match up with a cat or dog. Not that cats and dogs are kings of the hill. While dogs trump cats, neither stands a chance against most farm animals, especially bulls and longhorns. Sheer, raw power is a valuable commodity. Bears, horses and animals of the open range are also serious contenders for the title.
Who could handle the ferocity of a bison or bruin? Even the cuddliest looking bear could rip off your arm.
Only the occupants of one category stand above the rest: mythical creatures. No one truly understands them or their power. They are superhuman, meaning people don’t stand a chance in hand-to-hand combat.
Mythical creatures come out on top every time, unless Hollywood gets involved. But that’s not real. What does it all mean? Our rankings show the Duke Blue Devils are at the top of the mythical creature list, the baddest of the bad.
Who could hope to defeat a Blue Devil? No one!
Sheer evil alone would overcome most any opponent, and that’s not just a dated reference to Christian Laettner. Take Duke to win its fifth national title and laugh all the way to the bank, even after you used the most-ridiculous picking method possible. Shows to go you!
For BreakingModern, I’m Rodney Campbell. Photo: galleryhip.com. All rights reserved.
March 16, 2022
We’re UAB, not Alabama-Birmingham. Even casual hoops fans know that! And several mistakes I noticed: The Wolfpack was lumped in with cats, but Panthers are not?? How does that make sense; wolves are related to dogs! Panthers ARE cats. Utah Utes are a Native American tribe, not a bird. The Blazers (represented by a Dragon) would smoke the puny blue devils every time, even with Coach K badgering the refs. Duke’s version isn’t the Dark Lord Satan himself, the blue one is more of a devil minion to the red devils. Fire-breathing Dragon FTW!