Posted By Brant David in Culture, Holiday

BreakingModern – We live in progressive, illuminated times when we, quite sensibly, look to ban things that someone, somewhere, finds offensive or just doesn’t like because of bad childhood experiences. Yet, it seems to me that candy canes, in the name of some hoary old tradition, have been getting special protection from the powers that be. In what follows, I lay out my reasons for banning candy canes.

Candy Canes Don’t Make Economic Sense

Just to begin with, research demonstrates that American shoppers spend an absurd amount on candy canes during the holiday season. The average American consumer will spend over three times as much money on candy canes as she is on new gaming consoles for the children and impulse-buy chocolate combined. The banning of candy canes would put about $1,700 back into the average American’s pocket! That’s significant money that can be charitably given to the Salvation Army or spent purchasing higher quality gifts for family and loved ones. With candy canes banned, we force people to behave in more economically sound ways.

Candy Canes Mock the Disabled

During the Christmas holiday season, the last thing that anyone who needs a walking stick, a walker, crutches or a cane to get around on wants to be reminded of is their disability. Canes hanging around on trees and being happily sucked on by children (children who can run on their two healthy legs at will) throw the problems of the disabled right up in their faces. How can we maintain a progressive, kind-hearted society when we so callously tolerate this mocking of the disabled?

Candy Canes Mock the Elderly

As my late grandmother used to say, “Getting old is hell.” The elderly have enough problems of their own and it’s usually an elderly person who needs a cane to get around with. The Christmas season is that time of year when elderly people can most expect to be able to feel childlike again. Why are we hanging reminders of their advanced age, with all of its physical ailments and closeness to dying, all over our Christmas trees and fireplace mantels? How can we maintain a progressive, kind-hearted society when we tolerate such flippant mockery of the elderly?

Candy Canes Symbolize Subliminal Finger-wagging at the Young

But candy canes don’t just mock the elderly. They mock the young, as well. Since it’s mainly, although not entirely, elderly men who use canes while only an infinitesimally small percentage of young people need to use them, candy canes come off as symbols of patriarchal suppression of the young. Subliminally, the young are being kept under the boot heels of rich old men and dead white males — and at Christmastime, no less. The banning of candy canes will help to clean up the tradition-polluted minds of the young and help them achieve their true place of power and glory.

The Sugar!

Tooth decay … hyperactivity in children … diabetes … ovarian cancer … mineral imbalances … immune system suppression … migraines … heart disease … dementia ... five years taken off of your life … the list of sugar-delivered horrors seems to go on without end. Yet, at Christmastime the sugar is poured on like at no other time of the year except, perhaps, Halloween. Candy canes are supposed to be the ultimate foodie symbol of joy, glee, innocence, generosity and Winter Wonderlands — and they’re chock full of sugar. Candy canes ought to be banned just for their sugar content alone, never mind their other offenses.

People Hate Mint

It’s just wrong to throw that in their faces with the ubiquitous distribution of candy canes at Christmastime. York Peppermint Patties and chocolate chip mint ice cream can be overlooked because those minty foods don’t get hung on Christmas trees or over the tops of stockings or from the eaves of shops. I personally know a gal who hasn’t brushed her teeth or used mouth rinse in 40 years all because she can’t stand the taste of mint. What gives mint lovers the right to hang their taste preference everywhere at the most wonderful time of the year? It seems to me that this is a conspiracy of commercialism. Perhaps there’s a mint-lovers lobbying effort in D.C. If so, that cronyism needs to be struck down.

Candy Canes can Encourage Violence 

Walking sticks and canes, just like policemen’s nightsticks and mafia dons’ baseball bats, can be used to do violence. All one needs to do is remember the de facto founder of the modern-day Democrat party, Andrew Jackson, to understand this basic concept. The Christmas season is intended to celebrate love and the dream of a peaceable kingdom, lions lying down with lambs — not violence. Why do we continue to allow symbols of violence to hang all over our Christmas trees and be displayed ubiquitously during this holiday season? A progressive, kind-hearted society cannot tolerate this. We need to move on from our primitive days.

And let’s remember that the candy cane can be and sometimes is seen as a form of the shepherd’s crook, and the shepherd’s crook for Christians symbolizes the supreme power and authority of Jesus Christ — which really means a Christian’s self-serving “right” to bovarism.

To sum up: candy canes are offensive and unhealthy in too many ways. They have no place in our progressive, modern culture. It’s time that they were banned permanently.

For BMod, I’m Brant David.

First/Featured Image: “Candy canes 1/365” by Marcy Leigh via Flickr Creative Commons

Second/Header Image: “Various Christmas decorations, candy canes, Santa, snowman, Christmas tree, lights, presents, Seattle, Washington, USA” by Wonderlane via Flickr Creative Commons

Third Image: “Only 43 More Shopping Days Till Christmas!” by Jackie via Flickr Creative Commons

Fourth Image: “Proud to be Awesome” by Evil Erin via Flickr Creative Commons